Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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