I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
