You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
