Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
