nut hugger
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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