Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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