Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
