I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
