Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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