Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize