I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
