My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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