I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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