Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
