the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I haven't been this sober since birth.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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