I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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