Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
