Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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