You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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