I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you win again, gameday.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
