So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
