Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
