took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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