my vag is so smooth its legendary
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I need to calm my uterus...
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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