there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
