Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
