Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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