I accidentally had phone sex last night
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I need to align my fucking chakras
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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