The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
