WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
