last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
