I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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