I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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