we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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