FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
