i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
