i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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