Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
