Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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