I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
