I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
