My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
