the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We are two peas in an std pod
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
