When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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