Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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