Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
