I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
