oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
