In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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