she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i want to swaddle you in tequila
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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