im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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