I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
