It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
