I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
