The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize