I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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