I'm going to jail i love you
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
